I shouldn't be like this...

I shouldn't be like this.. This are fated. Allah is trying me, whether i am a good slave of Him or not. These are my destiny, and i must do my best to get blessing from Him....

I think i've lost my mind...

Hmm.. It's been 4 weeks since me and him being 'cold' and silent.. We've talked sometimes, but the way talked was just like we we've been known only a month.. Ya Allah.. Please, give me your strength to fight this feelings..I am really not strong like i used to. Ya Allah, the Greatest of All..

Day by day, i've been alone, i'm trying to run away from this painful situation.. but it's so hard to do.. All the time, everything i do, i just kept thingking of him.. Only his name, his face, his voice playing around in my mind.. This is so..... i don't know what else i can say about my feeling.. it's just so hard to breath..so painful..I don't know until when i can hold on like this.. but i wish i can be strong someday, until forever.. Until i find someone, who needed my love.. who is i know, needed my love, and i need his to..

This is not truly me, but i just really don't know how long i can hold on.. I hope, with this, in writing my feelings here, I will chill a little, and try to hold on..

Love Sucks..!!

I don't what's going on with me now. I thought, I can rely on him !. I want him to help me to control myself. I want to be happy and cheerful like I used to. But he didn't give a damn care or help to me! It's not like, I want him to pay back all my kindness to him. I just want someone, who I've trusted for a long time, help, guide me to my past. I know we all suppose to move forward. But why should I move forward if that move will make me more suffer and sad? I've been crying everyday, sometimes in day, and always wheh at night. I don't think I can hold on any longer. Maybe, he want to see me dying in suffer, so that he can be satisfied. He always told me, he do all these things because he wants to revenge. I have to feel all the sadness. I must feel what he had always felt. Maybe, my way are to harsh for u. But I had say these to u long time ago right? Shouldn't u always alert and be ready. Besides, I let u know about these things slowly. One by one. Didn't u understand? Why? Why is it so hard for u to understand me? I always give my very best to understands u. I did gave u all my heart, my soul, my life, my feeling for u, and gave all these thing to understands u, so that u won't feel bad. But when it comes to me, I AM RELYING ON U..! I WANT U..!! I NEEDED U..! but u just seems can't to know and understands me.

My dear GreenA_ _ _E,

I have told u thousands of times about me, about u, and about us. The more I want to get away from u, the more love for u comes in me. but, u will not get my love for u. I'm gonna save it, forever, because I am not strong anymore to be hurt. I can't stand anymore my love. This is the end. Of course, I will pray for your happiness out there, I love u. That's why. But u will never understands me. I will never be yours again. So long my dear.....

Assalamualaikum......

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My Love Problem, is nearly to its end..!

I saw someone's myspace just now..i agree for her words, "LOVE isn't finding someone you can live with.. it's FINDING SOMEONE you CAN"T live without! .." ...that's a very true and beautiful phrase..

Before this, i had dumped more than 5 guys, after 3 years i broke up with my first boyfriend. From that, only two of them i realize, were truly serious to be with me. One of those two, I really felt terrible of him, because I know he was really upset with me. After I said 'NO' to him, he told me that, "let us just pretend like we haven't know each other. I was really shocked of what he had said, but I did nothing to stopped him. The truth is, only after a day he didn't contact me at all, i am trully missed him. I tried to contact him back, but he changed his phone number. How can I not missed him? He shares the same interests with me. He called me sometimes, to chattering around. He was so kind to be care with me. When I think back of what i he had done, he's right. That was the best way to make him forget the worst thing I have ever made towards him. I told about that to my godsister, and she blame me for that. I know, I am so wrong to said no to him. But what can I do? I don't even know how he face was look like. I just know that he was school at somewhere in Ipoh, and his name. How can I trust someone that I don't really know? I was so afraid to fall in love with a stranger because I can't think my life if my soul fall to someone who is wrong! but my godsister said, "you must love the one who loves you, don't find someone you love. or else you will suffer.." . And what she said was true. It happened to me. Someone asked me to be his special girlfriend, and he said he loved me..i agreed, because he is really good in taking my heart, and that time, I am madly in love with him. But after just a few months, we broke up. I can't stand anymore, because he kept saying that he love only someone, and he always talked to me about that girl. I spent lots of times thingking what my godsister had said about love. She was true.

After I broke up with this boy, I kept thingking and thingking, and thingking, what are the best way to heal the wound in my heart? For all these times, i've been so crazy because i failed again in love. This love thing being the most topic i hate. But there's a person, she's a lecturer in my college, advice me on this thing. I think back of what she said, and I can take her opinion. I really thanked Allah for He let me found someone to help me. I also found someone who had a love story just like me (Oh, His Greatness again..). Now, this woman told me about, trying to love someone who love me. She told me everything, and I believe her, because I can see that she really had a wonderful life, with a loving, funny husband and 5 kids. Her daughter is just about my age. I hope my life will end up like this lucky woman.

One more thing, there's a friend, a boy, made my mind lighter from all these thing. He asked me for my story about my ex-boyfriend. Usually, I don't wanna told people about that. But, he is my good friend, and I trust him, i can keep my secret, so I told him. He was totally shocked, with an amazing unbelievable face when he know my story! I just laughed at him (yeah, it's my silly mistake..hmm..). I thought, he's gonna blame me for that, but he wasn't. He told me, he had did the same thing to a girl. That means, he's like the character of my ex-boyfriend in my story. I was suprised. However, i can take his reason for that. He told me why do he did that. The answer for my problem has revealed one by one. This time, I took all the advices from these people, and I'm normal back. Alhamdulillah, I'm fine... Thanks to Allah, for made my way to find these people.

July 2nd, 2008

Today, i went to my ex-highschool. Lots of things have changed since i left the school. The environment, the mural on the wall, and the people (definitely!). I saw my sister, playing with her friends. They played volleyball, a game that is quite tough for me. Suddenly, i remember, how me and my friends playing games some time ago. The different is, we played soccer. Not so seriously. We were just playing, making fun of ourselves. But we do have our own position.

We played in the eve, after school time, around 5 or 6 pm. In a week, I can say, every eve me and my friends will hang out at the school. We were not like other spoil brat student who went hang out with friends watching movies or sip tea and ate cakes at Delifrance, or take Mcdonalds as their lunch instead of heavy meal. We rather ate nuggets and drink milo 50 cent a packet, sat with friends at the side of school field, and watch our friends play sports. Some of them take soccer, volleyball, fast track or silat. We chattering all the time, and sometimes, we did our homework together. That were what I did along 5 years my highschool time. I really missed that gold moment in my life.

Now I am a college student who wake up at 6a.m for Subuh prayer, get ready to go for classes, until late in the eve. I have never had a great time like I used to when I was in highschool. This is one of my reason why do I don't like being an adult. Too much responsibilities, and too much things to think. What a tired life. When will this over? When will I get the chance to be happy with my friends like we used to?

Along, abg yong, Fazrin, Kamini, Fareed, Uda, Chan, Shamir, and my friends who always with me when we were hang out in the eve at school.. I really missed you guys. Nobody can replace all of you. I want to all of you know that, my life isn't happy like we used to. I need you guys back in my life...